yes, no, maybe, i don't know

I had been meant to sign a lease yesterday, housing for this fall and the coming year after that...

::sigh:: For better or worse I don't know, but I decided it was a commitment I couldn't make right now. I feel like so much has happened.

Now I feel... Adrift? Disconnected? Uncertain? I have no obligations to fulfill, really, nowhere to be. I should be relieved by the weightlessness of it, but there seems to be an undertone of dread. What now? I seem to be out of orbit.

I had thought I would go back there and live, even if I weren't going back to school. Because I love the city so much.
The school is fine, I just can't seem to justify spending so much money (debt, too) to go there when I am not even sure it's what I want. For all the hype about this private university, its great rankings and academics, yadda yadda-- the university I was at didn't inspire me much. Like I said, it's fine... Just not so great that I can mentally justify spending several more years and many thousands of dollars there.

My parents would have backed me up either way, but I know they are relieved I didn't go and sign the lease. I would certainly have found a job there, but with my ongoing health issues there's no use pretending the financial commitment wouldn't be at least partially dependent on my father as well. So it is a weight off his shoulders that I didn't do it.

So now what do I do? What do I want to do? What can I do? I have already completed many of the nursing prereqs at my state university, and am thinking about making a go of that program. The school in general is not that great, but its nursing program is actually very well-ranked and hugely in demand. Easily the best program at the school. There's a 12 month waiting list for acceptance into clinicals, which would be okay since I've got some of the prereqs and general ed to finish anyway.

::sigh:: In some ways I question if my decision was the right one. Am I shying away because of a generalized fear of commitment? Should I return to university on the other coast? Should I try to strike out and live/work there? (it's not too late)

I haven't been back to the university since my December surgery, I am on a leave of absence from classes. And I have an incomplete grade pending for one course. Because I haven't physically been there, I obviously have not been able to continue the work to get a letter grade for the class. As it stands right now, I won't be back in time to complete the work. Which will leave a nasty "Incomplete" grade on my transcript. :( Unless I change my mind, go there this fall, and work my arse off to finish it.

::Heaves another great sigh:: And here I thought men were the ones with commitment issues... ;)

Something blogorifically scientific next entry, I promise!


Blogger Dreaming again said...


I wish I had some superwise words to offer you.

Inside, I'm screaming GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL!
But ..that's because of MY regret of not doing so, and you can't live out someone else's regrets, especially someone's you've never met face to face! (and who won't be paying your debts! or paying your physical costs)

I don't envy you the decision, I do understand the place you are in. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers as you try to figure this all out.

Hey .. University of Oklahoma has a pretty good Medical school ;)


1:24 PM  

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